Chapter 2 – Further down Julianne Moore’s Rabbit Hole…

In a previous article (ha, article) I chronicled my romantic history with the actress Julianne Moore. It’s a daring story of romance, intrigue, mystery and deceit, and you can read it HERE if you need to catch up.

To sum up though, I went on a date with someone who was probably Julianne Moore, who it turns out was unconsciously living out the plot of her husband’s latest film, The Rebound, by trying to seduce me. He may also have been in on the plot, I’m not sure. I don’t know exactly where he fits into this strange sequence of events, but obviously, I know a code when I see one.

Is the the player? Or is she being played?

Anyway, the film in question has just been released, and I felt it was my duty to watch the film, and review whether it was an accurate portrayal of my life.

My name is Sandy Nicholson. And this is my life, as depicted by a jealous, desperate and/or not at all jealous but actually greedy and malicious husband.

And so it begins…

Bart, the writer, has gone for an interesting stylistic choice here. Rather than making up an entirely new name for me, he has given my name to the female lead, played by Catherine Zeta Jones. From this, am I to take that parts of my life will be portrayed by both the leads in this film? Perhaps to save the writer the anguish of having to depict his wife’s true personality as she pines for me? Must investigate further as the film goes on.

Revealing the first instance of likeness, Sandy reveals herself to be a basketball fan. More importantly, she also finds her husband cheating on her on a video. It is interesting to me that in his fictionalised version of the story, he is the one who cheats, rather than his real life wife, Julianne, seducing me. Is this out of some desire to still see her as a good woman, placing the blame on himself? I wonder how I’m going to react!

That's right... he went fucking METHOD!

I have to say, Justin Bartha, the guy playing me, has clearly done his homework. He’s got the Sandy look down to a tee. We’re both the same age, we both studied sociology, and we both volunteered at a women’s institute. I’m impressed with the detail they’ve put into this, and also slightly frightened by it. However, hearing the guy playing me, tenderly whispering my name, is a little bit unsettling. Also, the best he can come up with is “You have a face that might look good on TV”. I’m cooler than that, right?

Unrelated to me, but Catherine “Sandy” Jones has just demonstrated that she’d make an excellent fact checker by showing a Venn-diagram she made. The interviewer seems incredibly impressed by this.

Black people are apparently unfamiliar with circles

Sandy “Justin Bartha” Nicholson it turns out is Jewish. That might not seem important, but this is in fact a sinister clue to these events. You see, one day I had to move out of my house, and so I had to find someone else to take my place in the flat. I woke up and realised, my parents aren’t going to let me give the flat to someone who isn’t Jewish. They’re going to want me to keep it within that mould, and how am I going to advertise only to Jewish people? Am I going to have to post it on Jewish websites? I spent the whole day fretting about this before it suddenly hit me that neither I, nor my family, were Jewish. I’d been ill for a few days, and somehow hallucinated an entire back story for my own life. So when Bart wrote this character, he must have done his research on me on that day when I thought I was Jewish. But… that was three years ago! Just how deep does this rabbit hole go?

As the film draws to it’s close. I think I have finally managed to crack the case. Be warned. What you are about to read may shock you.

Three years ago, Bart Freundlich had an idea for a script where Catherine Zeta Jones falls for a younger man. He then meets me, and thinks “Yes, this is the kind of guy Catherine Zeta Jones would fall for”. He goes away and comes up with some ideas, then comes back to me and asks if he can base the character on me. In my hallucinating fevered daze I tell him no, because my parents won’t let me work for someone who isn’t Jewish. Bart cannot let his dream slide though, so he spends the few months researching my life in secret, then writes his script.  He changes my character’s name to Aram, so I won’t suspect.

Three years pass. Julianne Moore, his wife, has been unhappy in the marriage for a while now, and in fact only married Bart on the advice of her therapist, and for the sake of her children. She wants out. In a desperate attempt to discover what she had initially seen in him, Julianne turns to his latest script. The Rebound.

Upon reading it, she finds herself strangely drawn to the character of Aram. She finds herself suddenly more fond of her husband, after all, somewhere in him is this man Aram! If only he would come out from the cave!

JULIANNE: Sweetie. I just read your new script. It’s fantastic. Where did you get the idea from?

BART: Well, actually the character is based on a young man I met in London by the name of Sandy Nicholson.

BART tells her the story of his meeting with Sandy, and JULIANNE is obviously moved. Initially she is simply intrigued, but gradually grows more angry.

JULIANNE: How could you do that to Sandy? You stole his life for your work, even when he denied you permission!

BART: Oh he’ll never know! It’ll be fine!

JULIANNE: You have denied him the choice to abstain from this. You sicken me!

Bart, in his guilt, decides to change the name of Catherine Zeta Jones’ character to Sandy, so I might one day uncover the truth behind all this. Unbeknownst to him, Julianne is now determined to meet the man who inspired the character that won her heart. She finds herself in London, seeking him out.

“But wait!” You say. “There’s one thing that doesn’t make sense!”

You’re a sharp one reader. You’re right. Catherine Zeta Jones would never be attracted to me, I’m 23! Bart would have to be an idiot to base a character on me, which would try to appeal to her. Unless… something all the more cunning is afoot. Yes readers, the above story is not in fact, the whole story. Only the story that Bart wanted his wife to know.

Bart too, has been unhappy in his marriage for years now. He’s sick of her fame, and the way she goes to interviewers and discloses insulting information about him to the public. But he cannot leave her. He is shrouded in cowardice. Or perhaps something to do with a pre-nup.  If only there were some way he could make her leave him!

Bart, finding himself in London, meets me somehow, and he knows, in his gut, that I am the kind of man who his wife, Julianne Moore, would fall for. And this time, he’s right! (As evidenced by the fact that she went on a date with me). So he flies home, writes the script, and makes sure to leave it somewhere she will find it. Hoping it’s romantic tale of an older woman who falls for a much younger man, will capture her heart, and inspire some misdeeds.

He set her up from the start! But he didn’t bank on my mystery solving intuition/incredibly picky second date policy brought on by ridiculously over inflated sense of self worth, not likely helped by the fact that Julianne Moore wanted me.

Another case solved. If any of you go watch the film, I hope you enjoy it more now you know it’s context. Now my only fear is, with his attempt failed. Will he try again? What unsuspecting person will he attempt to load his wife onto next? I’ll be keeping an eye on his IMDB profile.

And so should you.

~ by Sandy Nicholson on August 7, 2010.