17 activities for long-distance couples who are not real people
Now, I consider myself a romantic guy. If you ever want one of your Valentine’s day gifts to be inspected by a bomb squad, I’m the guy to go to for advice. That’s right, I’m so romantic it’s dangerous. I like romantic films, I make romantic films, I like big romantic gestures, I even wrote a theorem attempting to prove the existence of love. It’s not as succinct as I’d like, and it doesn’t actually prove that love exists, it just disproves that it doesn’t, and says that if it does, then it must necessarily be non computational, but it’s still something!
Ok so I know you probably don't care enough to read that but if you knew me, you'd trust me that it's actually really sweet.
However, when I got to work today to find that we’d been signed up to an advice line we could call, I thought, that’s nice, until I went to their website, logged on with the fancy new code we were given, and was treated to the following article. Someone was paid, by the council, to write this.
17 Activities for Long-distance Couples
- Buy a copy of the ‘Person of the Year’ issue of Time magazine and paste a picture of him or her on the cover. Write an article about why they should be the person of the year and send it to them.
And immediately I knew this was either going to be dreadful, hilarious or both. This years person of the year was Mark Zuckerberg, and who doesn’t want to be pasted over his face.
I decided not to choose Julianne Moore as I didn't want to give her false hope.
Is that romantic? Really? And yes if I was going to send it to the real Dr. O’Hara from Nurse Jackie (she’s real to me) then I might have put more effort in, but still. It’s not an activity, and it won’t draw anyone closer to anything other than the burns ward. This one kind of speaks to the heart of the point I’m going to make here but I won’t spoil that yet.
- Every night for a week write down 10 things you appreciate about him or her. By the end of the week you will have written over 70 things. Send them the list in a romantic card.
First of all, ten times 7 is not “over 70”, it’s 70. Secondly, the advice is to tell them what you like about them? Because “I wasn’t sure how to like another person. Every time my long distance girlfriend comes to visit I just cry and run full speed into her, clawing at her and poking her in the ribs, what is it I’m doing wrong?” I think if someone doesn’t know that they should be nice to their partner, then they probably won’t be reading articles about how to make it work.
- Before you leave give them a jar containing the same number of M&M’s as days you will be away. Instruct them to eat just one a day in your absence.
- Buy a box of chocolates. Under each chocolate place a short note.
- Send a ‘chocolate attack’ of one sweet bar each day for a week.
Three “activities” about chocolate? You know what will keep you and your partner together, all the open communication you can fit under a quality street.
Although if you're actually going to do it, this is the most romantic message you can fit onto a box of chocolates.
- Make a list of five things you can do to be more unselfish in your relationship and then do them!!!
Even if we let go that they probably meant “less selfish”, that’s only one fewer exclamation mark than you use when there’s a volcano erupting outside.
- Go on virtual dates together on the internet. A few ideas include attending concerts, going to the zoo or museums.
Actually there’s nothing particularly wrong with this except how do you go to the zoo online?
Yeah so... I don't actually have photoshop...
- Build a webpage celebrating his or her accomplishments and send the web address to them.
This article is aimed at the kind of people who otherwise, would have built that website and not sent it.
- Buy a nice picture frame and send it to them with your picture in it. Write a special note to them on the back of the frame.
Damnit, when I sent Eve Best that picture of a foetus tornado I was so close to dead on.
- Have a calendar made with pictures of the two of you.
You’re that person aren’t you! That one who walks around with pictures of himself and his girlfriend because he fell in love with the first person who beats him like his dad did.
- Buy him or her a teddy bear that when squeezed will repeat a personalized message in your voice.
So many of these suggestions seem to be finding new vapid and ridiculous ways of not actually talking to each other. Apparently in a healthy long distance relationship all conversation is done in whatever form requires the least response. Feeling lonely? Missing me? All the affection of a soulless robot, but with a voice whose familiarity slowly decays over time.
"Show me on the bear where you wish you were touching me."
- Have a favourite photograph of the two of you made into a jigsaw puzzle. Send them a few pieces with every letter.
No! See no, they don’t get it! Real romance isn’t having a jigsaw puzzle of the two of you together, real romance is sending them all but the few pieces, and then laughing at them as they complain at you for having made them put it together.
- Send home a pair of electric warming socks with a note saying that since you couldn’t be there to warm their feet that you were sending these to take your place.
What!? The thing I miss most about you is when you would… warm my feet? Is this something couples do?
Oddly enough the socks seem to be able to communicate without the use of empty platitudes.
- Send a ‘Heart Attack’: Cut out heart shaped pieces of paper and write on them the things you appreciate about him or her. Place all the hearts in an envelope and send it to them.
Why are so many of these about attacks? This is just a repeat of a bunch of the other ones, but more threatening.
- Use a video camera to give him a virtual tour of the place you are staying and the things you do during the day.
So… talk to them, right?
- Share with them some of your goals for the next five years.
Not like you would in a normal relationship though. This is a new kind of talking.
- Be the change you want to see in your relationship. Make a list of the things you can do to improve your relationship over the next year. Refer to it on a weekly basis.
And finally, the final suggestion on a list of ways to improve your long distance relationship is to MAKE A LIST OF WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND THEN DO THEM.
There was another, much more offensive article about how men shouldn’t pursue married women because women are emotionally vulnerable, and therefore can’t be expected to say no to men, it’s men’s duty therefore to not ask. Apparently men should stop taking advantage of frail women by finding them attractive. Reading this made me say words I could have been fired for, but really I think it’s obvious enough that there’s no point writing an article on it. Suffice to say a good relationship cannot be based on the dumb luck that no-one else ever came along who fancied you/you fancied, it has to be based on that they did come along, and you said no. So as far as I’m concerned, if you like someone, tell them so.
But to focus on 17 ways robots think people behave, it just makes me a little bit sad. I’m not someone who has a strong opinion on long distance relationships, I think some work and some don’t just like anything else, and they require work just like anything else. If you want some real advice on your long distance relationship then chances are you’ve come to the wrong place, but here it is. Just act like a real person. Argue a little, be a little petty, be a little jealous, try a little too hard, be a little vulnerable, make fun of them a little, make them feel as bad about themselves as you make them feel good about themselves. Real human interaction is really quite something. There’s really nothing like watching two people realise they’re not done yet. Usually it goes the other way.
This is a park bench I found which was designed for couples of different leg length. This one I actually do like.
I think really romance isn’t about making them feel like Time Magazine’s person of the year. They aren’t as important as that person. They just aren’t. But you love them. You love that they are a real person. And that’s exactly as romantic as thinking they are going to save the world.
I would argue more so,
because it’s true.
P.S. Eve Best, call me.
